saying goodbye to soccer.

This big letting go.

Saying goodbye to my life dream.

Letting go can be such a hard task.

I see it in a way where it must become a practice for life. A Philosophy to embody.

Letting go of our identities, letting go of expectations, letting go of attachments, letting go of judgements.

Let go of who we think we are, let go of who we want to be, let go of where we think we should be. Just be. 

Let go of who you think someone is, let go of who you want people to be, let go of where you think people should be. Just let them be.

Over the last 2 years I’ve had a voice inside my heart whisper to me that maybe it is time to part ways with playing soccer. No longer did it fill me with the excitement, joy and love that it did my entire life since I can remember. I’ve had many things start to come in to my life, taking me in all different directions, and I’ve done my best at making sure what do I comes from my heart, gets me excited and also helps other people. 

Slowly over the last 2 years, this voice has gotten louder and louder, until it got this point where I truly realised that it was no longer serving me and I’m ready for what is next.

On the day when I made the phone calls, had the conversations, and then had the conversations in person it was a rollercoaster. Each conversation was a letting go of even more, and paired with a realisation that this decision is actually happening. I’m actually doing it. I would finish the phone call and break down into tears, one release. Finish the next phone call and break down into tears, another release. Finish the last phone call and break down into tears, another release. These were all what felt like a release of the valve, a release of the weight, that had been there for so many years and had become a part of my life.

What was this weight though? Why would I break down into tears, with the feeling of relief, joy and freedom to follow?

We start playing sport as kids. Maybe from making friends at school, maybe from influence from our parents, maybe because we are naturally good at it, so we chose to do it more. As we grow up this form of play, this channeling of passion and talent born from love gathers some attachments, labels and expectations. We become aware that we can make this our career. We realise we can make money from it. We learn it can become our profession. We really do love it, and we’ll do anything we need to get there.

So over all the years of growing up and playing soccer, the list is endless when I begin to think about the experiences, the hard work, the sacrifices, the set backs, the extras, the 1 percenters, the failures, the triumphs, the lessons, the laughs, the peaks and troughs of enjoyment and love for it and the questioning of why? I would go through my days and my subconscious mind knew that I had training at night, I had to be at my best and ready to give my best no matter how I felt. It takes energy. My days would have a slight dullness over them as I live at maybe 75% knowing that I need that extra fuel left in the tank come training at night. That’s tough. People still love it, but for me I could no longer say this. I have expanded in so many areas of my life and my heart was calling for more. So it finally felt right to move in this direction.

All of the moments that came throughout nearly 20 years of playing, at a youth professional/ semi-professional level only meant that there was a lot to let go of. That is what the weight was.

No matter how much I had relaxed with my mindset towards towards soccer, the voice was still there…

“If I just have my best season yet, an outstanding season, maybe I will get noticed and have my breakthrough moment”. 

Yeah, maybe I would’ve…

I was still continuously improving so who knows.

But this is no longer where my heart is taking me.

I still feel it now as I type.

This thought is what has to come to mind in regards to the letting go and all the tears.

Imagine letting go of THE BIGGEST DREAM you’ve ever had? A dream you had thought your life was going to be? That’s really BIG.

To be brave enough to face that and say I’m ready for something else. Breaking away from an identity.

That’s what this has been.

And oh have I had to grieve this. Tears of realising I never made it to the level I wanted to make it. I never became a professional soccer player. Realising that everything I put into all of those years never got me to where I wanted to get to. This hit me in the face. In a beautiful way though (if that makes sense)… The waves of tears have come up constantly in these days after making the decision. But boy oh boy has it felt like freedom wow.

Because I don’t regret any of it. It was all incredible, I travelled to Europe 5 times in the space of 7 years at one stage, I was flying interstate with my team for games around Australia, from Melbourne, to Perth, to Sydney, to Newcastle or the Central Coast, to Canberra, all the way back home. I met incredible people, I laughed, I cried, and it made me exactly the man I am today which I can only have immense gratitude for. It fills my heart and bring up emotions thinking about that alone. 

Chapter closed. Shit.

So what next?

Well I’m tired… So much has changed, yet it’s felt gentle. Collapsing into fatigue, weeping and letting it all go has brought me into myself. Acknowledging all that has passed with compassion and love, a daily practice.

I feel at home.

I have ideas, grand plans and visions, but I look forward to seeing how the coming weeks and months feel. I’m sure it will hit me unexpectedly at times, there will be more tears, but accompanied with this sense of freedom and relief it has brought. Dropping that pressure I’ve always put on myself. It’s served it purpose and it has all been perfect.

I’m so proud I can say I’ve always done my best, I fucking gave it my all, I gave it my heart, it broke me, it created me, and I stayed true to myself the whole time. I was doubted by people along the way, I doubted myself so much, for so long, I was a stray dog in the soccer world that always did things a little differently in my own way. But it’s led me to where I am now, who I am now, the acceptance and confidence in who I am now and I can’t wait for what’s next.

I want you to know there are tears in these words, my heart in these words, another way for me to let go of my and let my mind unravel through words. Maybe these open words help people find their own way.

I want people to know you are not your identity, you can be or do anything, you can do it all and you can do it all at once, you’re not trapped, don’t put yourself inside a box, be curious, confuse people, you always have a choice, and there is always time to follow your heart and listen to that voice inside.

Thank you to my family for everything they gave me, because of them I was able to try everything under the sun to get better, only because of them could I take up every opportunity that came my way. I still hear the voice inside me that wishes I did more for them. I’ve just realised that feeling now that I’ve typed it wow… I’ll work on that, hahaha. I know they gave me these opportunities out of pure love and I’m grateful beyond words. I know they didn’t expect anything in return, they gave and they gave, unconditionally, no matter what. I always wanted to be able to give back to them though, as a thank you because I can’t thank them enough. This was heavy to let go of. Noticing that fear of letting people down still comes up, but that’s ok. I haven’t let anyone down, I haven’t let myself down, we never do. I’m meeting all of this with love and compassion, holding space for it and moving through it on to what is next. 

A blank canvas,

A new blueprint,

A clean slate.

Lots of love, Oliver x